The Dreaded 'A' Word

When I was about 7 months pregnant, the Health Visitor came to see me. Amongst various other things she handed me an innocent questionnaire. I forget what the questions were exactly, but I know one of them asked if I disliked going to new places or even just to the shop alone. I answered "yes". I hated going anywhere without my partner, but what I didn't realise was that by me answering yes to just two of the questions on that innocent sheet of paper, I had alerted any health visitor or midwife that I was at risk of Post Natal Depression.

They're not particularly subtle about it here. They slap a big red sticker on the front of your antenatal notes.

I didn't think I was at risk of postnatal depression. I was looking forward to our baby arriving. Sure, I was scared of giving birth, but we'd been avidly studying hypnobirthing for months to make me feel more in control. I felt prepared, I had everything ready at home waiting for the new arrival.

Seeing that big red sticker I suddenly felt panicked. The only thing I knew about post natal depression was that it meant you didn't love your baby no matter how much you wanted to! Was that big red

sticker there to alert everyone that I wasn't going to love my baby?

Would I be treated differently by midwives because they thought I wasn't going to be a good mum?

My panicked assumptions couldn't have been more wrong. In an odd way, I will be forever grateful to that red sticker. Because of that sticker, every midwife I came across took the opportunity to probe a little deeper with their questions. Especially when I answered "fine" to their "how are you?"

Before I had a baby, I thought that postnatal depression was exactly what it said on the tin. Depression.

I was very naive in thinking that depression or post natal depression had only one form. I am only now coming to terms with the fact that I have been suffering with PND. I was very much in denial. I thought I'd been suffering with crippling anxiety, which I have been. But my anxiety is just the way that PND manifests itself in my life. When I was pregnant, I thought that mums with PND didn't love their babies, and I feel guilty that I ever thought this.

So, apologies that this blog post doesn't really have a point to it. But, for me, it's a huge step in the right direction to publicly acknowledge my PND. It is so incredibly important that mums and dads come together as a group and talk about things like this. It is the biggest encouragement for me as a new mum to see other parents talk openly about PND. That's why, going forward, as well as sharing my favourite recipes, DIY projects and farmhouse going-on's, I am also going to be using my blog to share my journey with PND. Mostly it will be for me, to help me through anxiety, but if one other mum or dad reads this blog and decides to accept help for their anxiety, then I'm doing something right.

Thank you for reading!

I've added some incredible websites below for anyone who wants to talk:

Mothers for Mothers: www.mothersformothers.co.uk

Mind: www.mind.org.uk